The Little Child Within

During my initial therapy sessions, my therapist asked me what I would like to tell the little girl within. She gently invited me to connect with her and to tell her something that I have never been able to tell her before. I froze. I faltered. I could immediately feel the little child in me growing smaller, trying to hide away and disappear. I was honestly petrified to do this exercise. I was afraid I would never be able to connect with this little girl. At that very moment, I realized that for years I have not paid attention to this little child within. I know that she was there, waiting, but I chose to leave her in the dark. This was done mostly to protect her, but also because I was too scared. My strongest fear was that I was not good enough for her, that I had nothing to offer. I was scared I would never be able to bring closure to certain situations she had been through. Throughout the years I avoided her because I was scared that I will only disappoint her or hurt her even more. That session was most probably the most challenging one I have ever faced. It shook me to the core because I realized that for years my inner child was abandoned, left to its own devices and struggling to make way through the ups and downs I faced growing up.

I did talk to the little girl within me then. It was hard but I knew I had to break the fences. Amidst lots of tears, I reached out to her and apologized for leaving her alone. I released her from all the guilt she had felt throughout the years. I validated her strength, her willpower and her perseverance in putting up with my inconsideration for such a long time. And I finally acknowledged that she was not to blame for whatever happened in the past. No, she was innocent and carried the guilt baggage for no reason. In that session I decided to take that heavy baggage away from her forever because it was not her responsibility to carry. The session has left me shaken but I could feel the little girl smile after so long. I could feel her lighter, happier, more at ease and I felt that I have finally made peace with a crucial part of me after so many long years of tormenting punishing myself for things that were not even in my control, let alone my fault.

Today, I still feel reluctant to connect with the little girl within. I am scared that I will create havoc again for her and me. Yet, I challenge myself sometimes and reach inwards. What I see is a scarred but happy little girl who has dreams and hopes and now knows that life can sometimes smile at you and give you moments, experiences, and people to cherish. It is also true that the little child within is healing through my experience of becoming a mother. Through mothering, I am making things right for her. I am making her stronger and I am also trying to give her wings to fly. I am reparenting her, deconstructing her perceived story and reconstructing a new narrative for her -one without haunting monsters, self blame and guilt.

The concept of the inner child is quite challenging to explain and work with in therapy. Not many clients feel comfortable or ready to make contact with the little child within and I understand their hesitation because I have been there too. The inner child is an echo of who we have been as children, of the experiences we went through and the challenges we faced. For some, these memories are not fond ones, thus the hesitation to become very vulnerable when they reach out to their inner child. Connecting to our inner child helps us understand our life script, the perceptions we created in the past of how life should be and how we should behave in order to survive daily struggles. It is important to revisit this life script because growing up we would have learnt that there are different ways of how to deal with life experiences and that there isn't just a single 'should'. It is not easy to give up these life scripts which are usually set in stone. They helped us survive for so many years and they have kept us safe. Yet, we are now competent adults that are able to soothe and contain our inner child whilst showing him or her different perspectives towards life and to remove any monsters that do not belong. So, if you are in therapy or thinking about going to some sessions, I encourage you to explore this phenomenon, especially if you are experiencing low self-esteem, poor body image, eating problems and self-harm, among others. It is a difficult road to go down but I can assure you that it is also very rewarding.