They’re Not Being Difficult: Understanding the Child Behind the Behavior

Having worked with young children in schools and with parents for many years has brought me face to face with the silent struggles children carry every day.

It is not uncommon for me to walk into a school and witness a young child having an intense tantrum over something that, to an adult, may seem small or irrelevant. I have also supported many teachers who feel overwhelmed when one child disrupts the entire classroom, through yelling, screaming, writhing on the floor or even kicking and hitting those trying to help.

These moments are not easy for anyone. Teachers and parents often feel helpless, confused and sometimes even frustrated. They ask themselves: “Why did something so small lead to such a big reaction?”

One important truth needs to be understood: Behaviour is communication. There is always a message behind it.

When Words Are Not Enough

One of my growing concerns is that many young children, although verbal, do not have the emotional vocabulary to express what they feel. They cannot say:

• “I feel overwhelmed”

• “I feel anxious”

• “I feel hurt”

Instead, they show us.

Children often struggle to understand and manage big emotions. When those emotions become too intense, they feel overwhelmed and their default response is to act out. This is not bad behaviour. It is simply a lack of self-regulation skills.

How Emotional Dysregulation Shows Up

Emotional dysregulation does not look the same in every child. Broadly, it tends to appear in two main ways:

Externalised behaviour

Some children express their distress outwardly:

• Intense tantrums and meltdowns

• Aggression (hitting, kicking, yelling)

• Overreacting to minor triggers

• Difficulty calming down

• Struggles with transitions and unexpected change

Internalised behaviour

Other children turn inward, which can be harder to notice:

• Withdrawal and social isolation

• Sudden shyness in previously sociable children

• Selective mutism (speaking in some environments but not others)

• Emotional shutdown in triggering situations

Both are equally important. Both are signals that a child is struggling.

Why Does This Happen?

There is never just one reason. Emotional dysregulation is often the result of multiple overlapping factors.

Attachment and emotional needs

Children need consistency, safety and unconditional love.

They need to know:

• “Will someone be there when I am overwhelmed?”

• “Will I still be loved when I make mistakes?”

When caregiving is inconsistent, children may develop anxious attachment. They become unsure of whether their needs will be met, leading to heightened emotional responses. Some children also experience emotional withdrawal as punishment, where love or connection is removed when they misbehave. This can create deep feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.

Trauma and the “survival brain”

When children experience trauma that is not processed, their brain shifts into survival mode rather than thinking mode.

This can lead to four common responses:

• Fight – aggression and anger

• Flight – avoidance and escape

• Freeze – shutdown and inability to respond

• Fawn – people-pleasing to gain approval

These are not choices. They are protective responses.

Environmental stressors

• Family conflict

• School pressure

• Sensory overwhelm

• Sudden changes or instability

All of these can contribute to emotional overload.

What Children Need from Us

As adults, we must shift our perspective: Children are not being difficult. They are having difficulty. Our role is not to control the behaviour but to understand it. The first and most important step is this:

Stay calm.

Children borrow our calm before they learn to regulate themselves. They are constantly observing us; how we react, how we cope, how we respond to stress. One key principle to remember is that connection must come before correction.

Supporting a Child in the Moment

When a child is overwhelmed:

• Lower your voice and stay calm

• Ensure the environment is safe

• Validate their feelings: “I can see you’re really upset”

• Use fewer words—too much talking becomes noise

• Stay physically and emotionally present

• Offer grounding (e.g. sitting or lying on the floor together)

• Use gentle non-verbal reassurance

Remember: the child is in a heightened state. Logic will not reach them in that moment.

After the Storm

Once the child is calm, that is when learning happens.

• Reflect together instead of punishing

• Show curiosity: “What was happening for you?”

• Help them identify their feelings

• Ask what they needed in that moment

• Teach emotional vocabulary

• Explore solutions together

Every moment becomes an opportunity to build emotional awareness.

Building Regulation Skills Over Time

Emotional regulation is not taught in one moment. It is built over time through consistent support.

Helpful strategies include:

• Predictable routines

• Regular emotional check-ins (e.g. rating feelings from 1–10)

• Teaching where emotions are felt in the body

• Practising breathing techniques

• Creating a calm corner—a safe, non-punitive space to regulate

These small, consistent practices make a significant difference.

A Final Reflection

As adults, we are called to be the calm within our child’s storm. We cannot expect reasoning when a child is overwhelmed by emotion but we can offer safety, presence and understanding. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it can feel exhausting especially in public moments when judgement feels heavy. Yet, in those moments, our child does not need perfection. They need connection. They need empathy. They need to feel safe because when we look beyond the behaviour, we begin to understand the child. That is where true change begins.